From the Very Messy, Can-Barely-Find-Sh*t, Yet Amazingly Functional Desk of
Liesl M. Testwuide
I’ve always wondered if you consider a person’s good intentions in your behavior evaluations; because this year, my intentions have been stellar. 2011 was a tough year and I was pretty bitter. But this year, I'm happy to report that I really intended to do a lot of good stuff.
I almost hosted a first-day-of-school-coffee at my home. I planned to make a meal for my cousin who had a baby. I wanted to call my old college roommate to see how she was doing after her move. I thought about helping out at my sons’ Cub Scout meetings. I had hoped to meet my neighbors at the block party. I thought about paying the balance on my divorce attorney’s bill. I bought a Hallmark “Get Well” card for a friend who had surgery months ago. It’s still on my desk, so you might spot it when you come down the chimney. So, as you can see, Santa, I’ve really stepped up my efforts when it comes to having good intentions in 2012.
As a result, I thought I’d write you a letter and include my Christmas list. I figured maybe you’d be generous with me since we have a lot in common. We both struggle with some issues. I mean I totally can relate to the weight problem, the low-self-esteem you mask with that white beard, you might have a bit of a Napoleon complex since you surround yourself with little people. And we all know a veiny, red nose is a sure sign you’re tippin' back a few too many. So here goes:
Item #1: I need a new neck. Seriously, I don’t know what happened.
Item #2: A burial plot. Santa, if you’ve been reading my blog, you know as a single woman I’m concerned about my final resting place.
Item #3: If you’ve got any clout with the online dating service to which I subscribe, I’d like some matches with actual potential. I can’t take one more message in my inbox that reads: “Liesl, our records indicate we have found the ideal match for you. Joe F., 59, from Ishpeming, MI, is divorced, speaks English,is coincidently right-handed and has a penis.” C'mon, Santa, baby, help me.
Item #4: Decorative fruit for the bowl on my kitchen table since someone (who will remain nameless) put bite marks in all the plastic pears.
Item #5: A pair of black leather pants. Besides a Cheesehead, leather pants are the one classic wardrobe piece I do not own. By day, perfect for attending YMCA swim meets and by night, casually elegant for the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet.
Item #6: If you’ve got any pull at the DMV, I could use a few points put back on my driver’s license. It’s Wisconsin for Christ's sake! I was speeding soberly.
Item #7: Cartons of cigarettes for my boys. Likely not a popular request these days. But the growing has to stop. Drastic measures are needed. I simply can’t afford to constantly buy them new shoes, in addition to all the new shoes I need.
Item #8: A date with comedian Louis C.K. He hasn’t filed the restraining order against me yet, so you still have time to pull this one off.
Item #9: New grips for my golf clubs. As if. Just checkin’ to see if the schnapps hasn’t knocked you out yet, Santa.
Item #10: A lifetime supply of AAA batteries. I’m not going to get into it. Trust me, they’ll be put to good use.
Well, Santa, thank you in advance for considering any items on my list. I hope all my good intentions this year will pay off! I intend to leave some cookies out for you!
All my best,