Liesl M. Testwuide
December 13, 2012
Dear family, Hairpin Turns Ahead readers, Facebook friends, Twitter followers and the 9 other friends I actually talk to in person:
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I hope this letter finds you well. By that I mean, showered, dressed, and not having spent the last 3 days in a Cheeto-stained bathrobe in your bed watching Lifetime television. If you have, that's ok. Do what you need to do. But this holiday season, I'm surprisingly feelin' it, baby, so I decided to send you a formal Christmas card!
In 2012 the boys and I focused on efficiency and adapting to change. In an effort to keep our St. Bernard's breath from constantly smelling like piss, the boys and I got matching "Flush" tattoos on our left forearms. So far, so good. Big Ben is enjoying a constant supply of fresh toilet water. The matching tats were cool and made me feel young until I noticed the chunky part of my 45 year old arm covers the F. Thus my tattoo appears to read "lush." It's not so far off, so I'm ok with it. It only raises eyebrows outside my 12-step
We also spent a lot of quality time on our electronic gadgets. Our family embraces technology and the simple ways it helps meet the needs of our lives. Here is a great photo of the boys- a Mac Book, an iPhone and an iPad. My favorite gadget is not made by Apple and any sort of photo would be really inappropriate.
Not to brag, but I'm really proud of my boys. They've had a stellar year despite all the changes they've faced. Their stability has been a great relief since all the money I set aside for therapy to help them post-divorce, I blew in just under two hours in the Nordstrom shoe department. So, thank God those boys are well adjusted, because this time of year, I really don't have time for a shoe crisis.
My youngest continues to keep me on my now well-heeled-Stuart-Weitzman-toes. In May he received the "Most Holes in Pants" award. Unfortunately I was unable to attend the ceremony to experience the proud moment. However, after school in the parking lot, many mothers smiled and nodded in my direction in what appeared to be a congratulatory manner. In addition, he went through an odd phase of wearing a head lamp for caving and ski goggles. Therapy might have helped, but as you can see from a later photo, I tried a different route, but no takers.
My middle son freaked us all out with a pregnancy scare. I was completely caught off guard, considering he attends a very strict school, has never had a serious girlfriend and just turned 10 years old.
However, upon leaving the movie theater one night, he whispered that he might be pregnant.I assured him there must be a mistake. He insisted, and pointed out he could no longer button his jeans, felt like throwing up and said the inside of his butt felt like it was on fire. I gave it to him straight and explained the life long consequences of indigestion. Inhaling a deep-fried shrimp platter, three virgin Bahama Mamas, two large buckets of buttered popcorn, a box of Bunch-a-Crunch, and washing it down with a Slurpy Slushy should never be considered without taking necessary precautions like the purple pill. After that scare, he has been more
careful, avoided certain temptations and made sure his pants are buttoned at all times. We really dodged a bullet there.
My eldest son, turning 13 this month, paid me $20 not to mention anything about him in this year’s Christmas letter. Bribery is embraced and often utilized as a form of motivation in my household. As a result, I will just say that Nameless is alive and well, and now out 20 bucks.
As for me, I continue to focus on self-improvement. In 2012, I purchased the Shake Weight, as seen on TV, and a boxed set of 37 Zumba DVDs. I kept the receipts, so I still have until the end of the year to return that unused crap.
In 2013, I plan to consider becoming physically fit. I'm almost training for a 5K run to raise awareness for the fight against lactose intolerance. It’s an incurable affliction, which, according to statistical data, affects a lotta, lotta people. I have witnessed the contorted faces of family members whose loved ones suffer from this fetid affliction and it isn't pretty. Day in and day out, family members must endure the incredible malodorous flatulence of their lactose intolerant loved ones. No where is this gaseous affliction more serious than my home state of Wisconsin, our country's dairy state. Come on out and join me for the "Dart Against the Fart" this spring.
In my efforts toward self-improvement, I also did a 21-day cleanse in just 2 days. After showering, the Ambien took effect and two days later I awoke feeling clean and rejuvenated. I considered my accelerated cleanse quite a success.
Finally, despite my best efforts, my identity still has not been stolen. As a result, the divorce lawyer bills, an overdue speeding ticket, exhorbitant fees for data usage overages on the boys' phones and little kids selling stuff door-to-door continue to plague me. Maybe I'll get lucky in 2013.
Looking ahead, it's come to my attention that many of my friends will celebrate 15 years of marriage in 2013. So, to all my married friends, I wish you Happy Anniversary! Sleeping with just one man for 15 years is quite an accomplishment. As a recently divorced woman, I hope to sleep with fifteen men in this one year alone. Both are cause for celebration.
Well, I wish you all a wonderful holiday season. And to quote the Spice Girls, from whom I often gain solace and wisdom, "If you can't be good, be careful!"
P.S. Big Ben finally ate the elf. I imagine she'll be poop-scooped next spring.*