I'm in love. I admit it's an unusual relationship. We've never been on a date. We've never kissed. He's never called me. In fact, he doesn't even know I exist, but I can feel it's love from the queasiness in my stomach. Maybe that's the Christmas tin of Chex Mix I just inhaled...but I think it's love.
The truth is, I've been in love with comedian Louis C.K. for quite some time. I wouldn't say it was a factor in my divorce, but my feelings for him have been strong for a while. Even though he has no idea I'm alive, I think we'd make a great couple. We're both divorced (see? it's totally destiny.) We both eat pizza. We both like ice cream. And we both swear a lot. It's a solid foundation.
If you aren't familiar with my almost-boyfriend, Louis C.K., enjoy this quick clip about turning 40, but don't get any ideas. He's mine.
Oscar Wilde said, "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you" and Louis C.K. has a way of making the brutal truth really funny and that's the most attractive thing about him. He embraces his humanness.
I think the timing is right for this relationship. Last year for Christmas, I received bathrobes. The boys gave me a pink fuzzy one. My mom gave me a long, flowing, bronze velvet robe. She said, "You can wear it in the hospital." Not being sick, I must have looked baffled, because then she said, "Well, I mean, if you ever have to be there, at least you'll look good. An elegant robe for the hospital is simply a must-have." This year, I'm worried she's going to give me a dress and say, "Liesl, think about it, this dress will never go out of style. It's a classic. You could be buried in it."
So this year, because I'm in love, I've decided to be proactive and let people know exactly what I want for Christmas. I've even made a music video to avoid any misunderstandings. Rolling Stone magazine interviewed me in advance of the much anticipated world premiere of my music video. Here's a brief excerpt:
Liesl Testwuide: Well, in Wisconsin I'm often mistaken for Mariah Carey, obvioulsy because of my petite figure and sexy dance moves, so I really thought it was a no-brainer. Besides, it was much easier than tryng to master a classic, like Jeff Foxworthy's "Redneck 12 Days of Christmas."
Rolling Stone: Do you really expect Louis C.K. to see this video and fall madly in love with you?
Liesl Testwuide: Pretty much. I mean, I think the video will wow him with my high tech special effects and nutty antics. I really diva-worked the scenes with the fan, despite dog hair blowing in my face; and my peppy walk scene really showcased my lack of comfort in even trying to appear perky. I don't mean to sound presumptuous, and I know he hasn't even heard me swear yet, but I think I'm pretty close to a slam dunk here.
Rolling Stone: Are you actually hoping to get a date with Louis C.K.?
Liesl Testwuide: Well, I'm pretty busy with my three sons. I can't even go to the bathroom without being interrupted. But if Louis C.K. called when I was in the can, I'd totally take his call.
Rolling Stone: Is there anything you'd like to say to Louis, in the highly unlikely event he's reading this?
Liesl Testwuide: Merry Christmas, Louis C.K. Thanks for making me laugh through some tough times. This one's for you: