From the Very Messy, Can-Barely-Find-Sh*t, Yet Amazingly Functional Desk of
Liesl M. Testwuide
In 2013, I, Liesl Testwuide, pretty much the best mom ever, and definitely the hottest single woman living in the cul-de-sac, resolve to:
1. No longer date guys who have their own private helicopters. It's hair-do hell. And for what? Laryngitis and a small penis?**
2. Limit all future DVR recording space to a scant 68% for my favorite shows on the Oxygen network: Snapped, Fatal Vows, Who the Bleep Did I Marry? and Wives with Knives. Trust me, I've spoken to my doctor about this. He said this is completely normal behavior for a recently divorced woman. Alright fine, it's not so recent and maybe he said something like it's somewhat normal or maybe he said abnormal. I can't be exactly sure.
3. Not date men who collect clown figurines, have more than three cats, use toilet paper for coffee filters, play Guitar Hero for more than four hours a day, use the word "irregardless" and have douchey velcro closures on their shoes...irregardless of their incredibly sexy Match.com photos.
4. Get rid of any granny underpants. A 45-year-old bombshell, albeit self-proclaimed, should never wear undergarments which stretch over one's belly button (even if the bombshell's belly button is currently positioned at a right angle from said bombshell's vagina.)
Because this can never happen:
5. Reduce Diet Coke intake from nine cans per day to five. F*#% you. I'm sober.
6. Find the laundry room floor. I've heard rumors there's a countertop and sink in there, too.
(Mom, this photo is completely staged. It took over three hours to get the mess positioned exactly right. I really think I achieved the look I was after. I know you're proud of me for going the extra mile for my art.)
7. Stop spending hours on Pinterest pinning craft projects and recipes I will never, ever, ever in a million years make. Well, OK, with one exception, I admit I made the bacon bra. All I can say on the subject is that I've got a St. Bernard...the smell of bacon...I fell asleep...turns out he's not a vegetarian...it's still a little awkward between us.
8. Fast dance. You try it at 45, sober, and single at a wedding.
9. Throw out all those ridiculous Mars and Venus books. All that reading hasn't helped me get laid and sci-fi guys totally creep me out.
Respectfully submitted for undetermined follow-up on this 31st day of December, 2012.
Liesl M. Testwuide
**If you haven't read 50 Shades of Grey, this likely won't make sense. Sorry.