I never thought I was good enough to wear the yellow Livestrong wristbands made famous by American cyclist, Lance Armstrong. The bands seemed to represent a physical and philanthropic standard I would never achieve. They were too highfalutin for me. I’m a single mom who schleps mac n’ cheese, drinks too much Diet Coke and believes wearing Dr. Scholl’s sandals counts as exercise. Truth be told, wristbands with a practical message like “Floss,” “Flush,” or “Friday = Garbage Day” make more sense for this never-go-out-in-public-wearing-bike-shorts gal.
In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Lance Armstrong finally admitted what the world has strongly suspected for years: he’s no American hero.
and a bully.
Armstrong is a narcissistic thug, who preyed on the good will of sick people, intimidated teammates, threatened naysayers with lawsuits, and bribed those who kept his secrets.
So the question is: what the hell are we supposed to do with all these yellow Livestrong wristbands? I've got a few ideas...
- Use them to keep your baby doping paraphernalia together.
- Great for keeping a lid on the Liar’s Dice
- Helpful for coralling tubes of hemorrhoid cream for sore assholes.
- Convenient for keeping hair products together, especially for business travel.
- Nice for marking the urine samples stored in your fridge.
- Or, to differentiate the frozen sperm (necessary to store after losing a ball to cancer from doping) apart from the Toaster Strudel icing.
- Need to organize your falsies? Use Livestrong wristbands to snugly strap together the extra boost you put in your bra.
- Teachers will never suspect your kid has all his math answers scribbled on the inside of his Livestrong wristband!
- Livestrong wristbands are perfect for heavy dog sh*t sacks.