This just in, folks...breaking news from the ever-expanding region of Abdomenia.
Located between the C-Cup Crevasse and the practically abandoned Southern Channel, Abdomenia, is well-known for its repeated attempts to tighten its borders before the swim suit season. If Abdomenia is able to condense its area, experts have
Breaking news confirmed today by multiple sources indicates the scale has tipped, and all out civil war now rages in the area. Several groups, unwilliing to cooperate with Abdomenia's aim to tighten its borders, continue sabotage and in-fighting. Here is a quick break down of the top four organizations considered to be the biggest threat to peace in the area, stifling hope for more tourists to enjoy the Southern Channel:
- The Salty Force Although not known for conducting successful covert operations due to their signature crunch, they have incredible endurance, travel well in packs and quickly attract a loyal following. Their willingness to mix with nuts keeps foes on their toes and their natural ability to specialize in maneuvers transporting dips is second to none.
- Toot Sweet Often incorrectly linked with the Bean Brigade, Toot Sweet is considered a highly extremist party, led by the fearless Cap'n Crunch. They are known around the globe for their controversial ideology "if one is good, eat them ALL" a creed highly regarded around Girl Scout Cookie time. Toot Sweet's high energy and impulsivity, combined with its incredibly dangerous dark side-- the blood sugar slide to hell--make them an elusive and insatiable opponent.
- Late Night Snack Attack Backed generously by insomnia and boredom, and known to join forces with El Munchies, the Late Night Snack Attack organization is well-known for its daredevil covert operations. Co-led by Ben and Jerry, this group's infamous worldwide reputation stems from its stealthy ability to tip toe around snoring dogs, lick ice cream spoons clean, and never leave a crumb of evidence on the kitchen island, all while holding the television remote control.
- Hummus A revolutionary group dedicated to healthy eating, Hummus has the potential to work toward Abdomenia's mission of slimming her borders. However, this group is known for self-sabotage and traitorous activities. Hummus is full of double agents and moles. Confirmed sources report that common activities of this group include adding multiple scoops of frozen custard to fruit smoothies, drowning steamed broccoli in a river of hollandaise sauce and deep frying the hell out of crustaceans.
Yesterday reporters witnessed the official from Abdomenia enter into "secret" talks with an unidentified source known only as Victoria. However, likely little progress was made as the official was noted to be carrying a row of Thin Mints under her arm. Abdomenia's spokeswoman was unavailable for comment as she was out of the office stocking up on Spanx. More news from the area, as we digest it.