The first time around, dating was a lot easier. Not just because I was fresh out of college, single guys were everywhere, and I consumed copious amounts of alcohol, but I had my youth. Gravity hadn't set in. It was the 90's. All I needed to look fly for a date was a Wonderbra, my Rachel from Friends haircut, a spritz of CK One and a schrunchie on my wrist.
At 45, it's not as easy to get a guy to like me from scratch. I've had three babies. Have a few scars - ok, I admit, not from anything cool; and, although I prefer to be comfortable, I'm single, so I always have to opt for flattering. I'm the only mom at a soccer game wearing Spanx under her jeans and shoes with a heel ("...a little height, honey, it lengthens your legs." Thanks, Mom).
Happily married women have no idea how easy they have it. They don't need to follow the trends. They have their regular man. They can go native on the south lawn, wear flannel, and regardless of the hue of their anus, they're still going to get some action from their husbands. Not so, for single chicas returning to the dating scene. We need to focus and be on trend.
And I have to say, the trends are insane. Thanks, Kim Kardashian, thanks a lot.
Here we go. Take note, ladies:
The Kate-Moss-flat-ass is out. Put on the Sir Mix-a-Lot, and pull on the Booty Bra by www.Lovemybubbles.com. Thanks to Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian, a plump, round ass is key. If you need a little help in that derrier department, the Booty Bra is for you.
On the left, the Double-O Brief Powernet Butt Lifter.On the right, the Double-O Thigh Slimmer High Rise Butt Lifter with maximim control.
I like smooth butts, and I can not lie, all the other mothers will stand by, so when they make cool Spanx to control that space... Butt I digress.
The ass is clearly where it's at these days, ladies. I know, it's bad news. Gravity sucks, but to keep your butt round and plump, www.HourglassAngel.com offers Mo Butta Booty cream. According to Hourglass Angel, "Straight from Detroit, Michigan, this proprietary blend of herbs and natural ingredients is changing the way women all over the world are looking in the 'rear view' mirror." Hey, it's got herbs AND natural ingredients AND it's from Detroit. So, duh, it's gotta be mo betta.
The Brazilian wax is a must. Yep, the backyard, too. Go ahead and wince, but it's got to be done. No sense in popping for the Mo Butta Booty if it's a hairy booty.
And since hairless muffins are all the rage, Plain Jane vaginas, begone! A dazzling smile is no longer enough. According to Cosmo, today's man wants to be vajazzled. Toss out the teeth whitening kit, get out your craft supplies and start Vajazzling. Decorate your vagina with gems and crystals. Adhere them to your freshly waxed vulva with liquid latex or eyelash glue. DIY-ers, the sky's the limit: ying and yang, a peacock, the yellow brick road, an apple pie, Captain America's shield. Sister, if you ain't got some bling, on your freshly waxed thing... Geezus, I seriously can't even construct the end of that sentence.
I think we can (not) thank Lady GaGa for the latest trend in bird feather eyelashes. At first glance one might think feather eyelashes are safer to wear than a meat dress, but a warning here. If you are under 100 pounds, do not don feather eyelashes on windy winter days unless you are fine with taking flight and landing in Mexico for the winter. On second thought, if you are under 100 pounds, definitely do this, but vajazzle the sh*t out of your bits to avoid a sun burn.
Due to the popularity of Brazilian waxes and pole dancing, anal bleaching has become a must for women who shockingly discover their hairless wink is no longer pink. Personally I have enough trouble making sure I have no eye goobers and my legs are shaved before a date, but if you're seriously anal about your anus, this beauty trend is for you. The treatment is just as it sounds. Bleaching agents are applied repeatedly to the anal area over a period of 6-8 weeks. This dirty job is best left to the professionals. DIY-ers, a quick spritz of Shout! is not recommended and above all, do not dip your pointer into product samplers in the store.
Wasn't that on a Seinfeld episode?
"Did you just double dip your pointer in the anal bleaching cream? You did. You double- dipped your pointer."
"You dipped your pointer, rubbed your anus, and you dipped again. That's like putting your whole anus right in the dip."
And let's not forget the latest craze: tit-tooing. Yep, just like it sounds. Don't get me wrong, I understand a woman's desire to have nipples tattooed after reconstructive surgery. That's not what I'm talking about. The new trend is tatooed nipple art. Some women are choosing to have their nipples darkened through tatooing. Dark nips are in gals, didn't you know? I guess pink is proper for the anus, but no longer suited to the nips. The more adventurous women, and those who did not experience enough pain during childbirth, are going for all out titti-murals.
Ok, bottom line, what I want to know is, who the hell is starting these trends? C'mon. Where is the sister-love? This isn't cool. If women are developing these trends, just exactly whose team are you on? I mean, seriously... give me a fighting chance.