Mother's Day is around the corner. May 12th, to be exact. Enter the occasion in your phone and set an alert. After you've confirmed your children are creating homemade cards and bringing a bean or marigold plant home from school, you need to get shopping. Not to fear, men, I'm here to help with some insider information about Mother's Day, women, and gift giving.
Crucial point, husbands, do not tell your wives: "You're not my mother. I don't need to get you something for Mother's Day." This is serious dog house smack talk. If you say this, be prepared to hear about it every
Don't get creative. Ask your mother or wife what she'd like, or if she has a list. And then purchase the exact items she wants. Do not think you have a better idea. You don't. She knows what she wants. Get her what she wants, not what you think she needs. The only time you should deviate from a woman's list, is if you choose to go bigger. For example, if your wife wants a birthstone pendant she saw at the store, you will never disappoint if you get her a bigger birthstone pendant. Got it? Deviate from the list to go bigger with jewels, but for all else, stick to the list.
If a certain item is on her list, for example, an iPhone, purchase it, wrap it, and give it to her. Do not buy a card and scribble, "Happy Mother's Day. Treat yourself to an iPhone." Not cool. Not cool at all. Since Al Gore invented the internet, you no longer have the excuse that you didn't have time to shop. Today almost everything in the entire world can be delivered overnight to your doorstep.
The card matters. Women read cards. We oooh and ahhh over them. Get a card. A real card. "To: you; From: me" written on a foil wrapper from a stick of Juicy Fruit gum doesn't cut it. Hallmark, baby. If the card makes her cry, you score big time.
Finally, if you ask the woman in your life what she wants for Mother's Day and she answers, "Oh, I don't really need anything," do not believe her! She is speaking in code. What she really means is: "Yes, of course, I want a gift. I want a big gift. Can't you read my mind?" Women do this. We speak in code. We don't do it to mess with your heads. It's just what we do. So if you give a woman a gift and she says, "It's fine." It is totally not fine. I can't completely give away the code, I'm a woman, after all. I can only warn you that it exists. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.
So if the woman in your life has no list, speaks in code, and wants you to read her mind, here are some really bad ideas you should avoid. Consider yourself dutifully notified. Unless these items are specifically on her list, do not give:
- a health club membership
- Spanx (Sure, I rave about them in my columns. Women want Spanx and buy Spanx, but men cannot buy them for women. This is just a rule. And if you can't figure out why, you're probably one of those guys who gives an honest answer when asked, "Does my butt look big in these jeans?")
- a vegetable peeler (C'mon, you think we don't pick up subtle hints?)
- a vacuum cleaner (Not so subtle and not so smart.)
- a book on how to perfect the art of oral sex (Geezus, it's Mother's Day. Have some class.)
- a new pooper scooper (Go directly to doghouse. Do not pass Go! Do not collect $200.)
- a feezer full of meat from an animal you have killed (This just doesn't read romance.)
- a bumpersticker for her car: "I brake for chili. Then I do the gas."
- a day alone with the kids while you play golf.
- extension cords, smoke alarms, furnace filters, ant terro or firewood (No matter how tempted you may be to purchase these items, use some self-control and keep walkin'.)
- underwear (Unless you know her exact size. Do not attempt. I repeat, do not attempt.)
- And of course the obvious: yards of mulch, a gift certificate for a new roof, the Ab-Roller, a new iron, or the 2013 Official Fart Joke wall calendar.
Ladies, for further direction, leave a comment about what you want for Mother's Day. Just don't ask for "peace and quiet." You'll make the rest of us look bad.