You may be thinking, relationship advice from a divorcée? What would she know about getting it right? Excellent point, I got nothin'. But trust me, I do know a lot about getting it wrong.
Over the past couple years, I've been on my fair share of dates. Nope, I didn't meet Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now. In fact, the whole experience has led me to take a step back and embrace my current single status. As a result, I've decided to take a break from searching for virtual love in the online dating world.
As I enjoy my freedom and go back to wearing comfy underwear, I thought I'd share a bit of the dating wisdom I've gathered. Granted, no one is perfect, and we can't live our lives dictated by lists, but red flags are real, ladies. And they are red for a reason. Trust me, I've been learning the hard way. Consider yourself duly warned.
Caution: 30 Red Flags for Dating
1. Your date brings his CPAP machine on the first date.
2. Your date travels with his own air freshner.
3. Your dates tries to pay for your movie in Blackjack chips.
4. Your date's dinner order begins with, "I'll have a boneless..."
5. Your date drinks white wine spritzers and keeps saying, "Hey, gurl..."
7. Your date keeps Visine in his breast pocket, his glove compartment, and his desk at work. Dude, what's the big deal?
8. Your date's divorce will be finalized soon. Seriously, real soon.
9. Your date has Velcro closures on his shoes. Come on. If he can't take the time to tie his shoes, there's no way he's into foreplay.
10. Your date begins the majority of his sentences with "Well, technically..."
11. On a first date in a crowded bar, he holds your hand and says, "Now this really feels like intimacy."
12. Your date says, "Let's meet somewhere else for coffee. I'm not supposed to be so close to a school."
13. You have to ride in the back seat because the passenger door of your date's fine ride is held together with duct tape.
14. Your date uses jazz hands any time, any place.
15. You open the door, greet your date and he says "Do I look great or what?"
16. To get you in the mood, your date turns on Kenny G and plays "air" saxophone.
17. Your date wears more jewelry than you. Earth to Jersey Shore: we've got a Situation.
18. Your date has never taken you on an actual date. Cooking dinner for him repeatedly is not an actual date.
20. Your cat takes a shit on your date's shoe. Hey- cats know stuff.
21. Your date's only friends are online strangers with whom he plays GrandTheft Auto.
22. Your date's favorite answer to your questions is "It's complicated."
23. Your date's retirement plan is to sell his pristine Star Wars action figures which are still in their boxes and line the shelves of his apartment.
24. Your date looks over his shoulder and in a whisper asks if you're interested in making some money on the side. He knows a guy who knows a guy.
25. Your date walks you home and says, "So if anyone asks, can you just cover for me and say we were together all night?"
26. Your date mentions his prized collection of (pick any one) Beanie Babies, clowns, stuffed animals, yarn, teaspoons, scabs, Cracker Jack prizes, or snakes.
27. Your date wears a rubber wristband that says "I love boobies."
28. Your date has a "Honk If You're Horny" bumper sticker.
29. Your date thinks you resemble Steven Tyler.
30. Your date thinks he resembles Steven Tyler.