You may be thinking, relationship advice from a divorcée? What would she know about getting it right? Excellent point, I got nothin'. But trust me, I do know a lot about getting it wrong.
The past couple years, I've been on my fair share of dates. Nope, I didn't meet Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Tonight, but the dates I experienced actually helped me learn to embrace and enjoy my current single status. As a result, I've decided to take a break from searching for virtual love in an online dating world.
As I enjoy my freedom and go back to wearing comfy underwear, I thought I'd share a bit of dating wisdom I've gathered. Granted, no one is perfect, and we can't live lives dictated by lists, but red flags are real, ladies. And they are red for a reason. Trust me, I've been learning the hard way. So, for what it's worth, consider yourself duly warned.
Caution: 30 Red Flags for Dating
1. Your date brings his CPAP machine on the first date, just in case. You lucky gal.
2. Your date mentions his favorite show is Sister Wives.
4. Your date believes the Eiffel Tower is located in Las Vegas.
5. Your date drinks white wine spritzers and takes three calls from his mom at dinner.
6. Your date believes three minutes is a long time.
8. Your date's divorce will be finalized soon. Seriously, real soon. He said so.
9. Your date has Velcro closures on his shoes indicating there is no way in hell he will engage in adequate foreplay if he can't even take the time to tie his shoes.
10. Your date begins a lot of sentences with the phrase "Well, technically..."
11. You can't find any information about your date on Google.
12. Your date has small hands, no Adam's apple, but great shoes.
13. You have to ride in the back seat because the front passenger door of your date's fine ride is held together with duct tape.
14. Your date uses jazz hands any time, any place.
15. You open the door wearing a new dress, and your date asks, "Sooooo, how do I look?"
16. To get you in a sexy mood, your date turns on Kenny G and plays "air" saxophone.
17. Your date wears more jewelry than you. Earth to Jersey Shore: we've got a Situation.
18. Your date has never taken you on an actual date. Cooking dinner for him repeatedly is not an actual date.
20. Your date calls you by your last name. High-five!
21. Your date's only friends are online strangers with whom he plays GrandTheft Auto.
22. Your date's favorite answer to your questions is "It's complicated."
23. Your date's retirement plan is to sell his pristine Star Wars action figures which are still in their boxes and line the shelves of his apartment.
24. Your dates asks if you're interested in making some money on the side. He knows a guy.
26. Your date insists he show you his collection of (pick any one) Beanie Babies, clowns, stuffed animals, yarn, teaspoons, scabs, Cracker Jack prizes, or snakes.
27. Your date wears a rubber bracelet that says "I love boobies."
28. Your date has a "Honk If You're Horny" bumper sticker.
29. Your date thinks you resemble Steven Tyler.
30. Your date thinks he resembles Steven Tyler.
What am I missing? Leave red flags you've discovered in the Hairpin Turns Ahead comment section!