All right, it's summer, damn it. All you skinny folks are happy, sporting your tank tops, teeny-tiny-tacky dresses and bikini bottoms made of string and paper clips. Unable to wear an itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie anything, even when I was 12, I tend to side with my St. Bernard during this season: bring on the snow, the cold, and the need for layers. I miss my black tights, boots, and turtlenecks. In spring, I tried (well, kinda) to shed some
So, if you are like me, and didn't lose that last 10 pounds before summer, or even the first 10 pounds for that matter, consider my unofficial, non-guaranteed tips* to feel and appear thinner than you are:
1. Switch from padded bras to unpadded bras. Yes, your nips will protrude, and that's the master plan. Think Farrah Fawcett red swim suit poster. Remember where she's sitting? What nail polish she's wearing? Nope. Everyone remembers her boobs. Put on your brights, ladies.
2. Some might say, lay off the alcohol to shed a few pounds, but I suggest the opposite. Begin drinking from much larger glassware. It's all about proportion. No doubt, the larger the glass, the thinner the arm. Massive wine glasses are like kryptonite for fleshy bat wings.
3. Wear Dr. Scholl's, the original exercise sandal. I have multiple pairs to go with all my "exercise outfits." While socializing with your fit, skinny friends, you'll be able to chime in with, "Man, I'm beat. I worked out all day. I totally deserve another ___________." Insert anything you flippin' want. I mean, you wore those exercise sandals all day long: while you had your nails done, went to lunch, sat through the movie, stood in line for fro-yo and browsed in the Hallmark store, right? You worked hard, sista.
4. Bring back the big hair (on your head).5. Wear a lot of rubber bracelets supporting various charities.The eye naturally moves to where the action is, and if you line your forearms with colorful wristbands that clearly indicate you are a super-duper good person, who cares deeply about a lot of stuff, folks won't even notice your big ass.
6. If you are compelled to consume Thin Mints or ice cream in embarrassing quantities, do so in the middle of the night. If you have an excellent imagination or a drinking problem, you can convince yourself it was all a dream.
7. Cut all size LARGE tags out of your thong undies. While you're at it, cut those little bitches out of ALL your clothes, right now!
8. Slather your ass, boobs, and any part of your bod that doesn't see the sun with Look Good Naked's Tan Towels. This minor move will make you appear five pounds lighter. Truth: tan wiggle beats pale jiggle any day.
9. If possible, avoid shopping at Dress Barn. I'm sure they have cute stuff, but serioulsy, I can't even type the name of that store without hearing, "Mooooo look great, honey."
10. Dimmers, dimmers, dimmers. 'Nuff said.
*Results may vary.