When a man I recently dated asked to borrow my hairspray, I knew the relationship was doomed. Not cool, buddy, not cool at all. Piece of advice, guys: if you wear hairspray, you might want to take that secret with you to your grave.
I'm old school. I have a crush on Louis C.K., for Christ's sake. My divorce and recent single status have not rid me of my traditional views on gender. When there's a bug to kill, dog food to carry, or bike chain to fix, it's a job for one of my sons. I'm not saying I can't do those things... except fix a bike chain. I totally can't fix a bike chain. But some jobs are better left to the men. If you bring home the bacon and fix the pilot light, I'll fry it up in a pan. Deal?
I like men to look, act, and smell like traditional men. Imagine my surprise then, upon re-entering the dating world at 40ish, only to discover that men's grooming trends are almost as insane as women's. (Read my post on crazy female beauty trends.)
Let's Not Share a Bathroom, Okay?
I know you metrosexuals like to get pampered with manicures, facials, and waxings, but as a woman, I'd prefer the salon be a man - free zone. When my face is blotchy from an eyebrow wax, and my hair is covered in goop and foil, I don't want to make small talk and watch you read Cosmo. It's too much like sharing a bathroom. Women have secrets. Men shouldn't witness the weave or the false eyelash application. You're just supposed to admire the final product. Go back to your barber shops, guys. Granted, you can't read Cosmo there, but enjoy the peanuts and ESPN.
Where the F*ck Has all the Male Body Hair Gone?
Extreme manscaping is trending high. Men of all ages are opting to remove the lower level's shag carpet in order to highlight the room's hard wood. Some are of the theory: if there's no underbrush, the tree looks taller. As a result, the aptly named "Bro-zilian" wax for men is becoming quite popular. For the DIYers and men who prefer razors, Gilette offers an entire video tutorial: Manscaping! Shaving Tips. Men across the nation are tuning into YouTube and shaving their balls. Certainly all south lawn maintenance should be based on personal preference. However, keep in mind that no woman has ever said, "I can't wait to sit on that cactus." Ever.
Check out this two minute video on how NOT to manscape from the hilarious TV show Starved:
On a subsequent date with Hairspray Hal, I discovered his torso was completely free of hair. He even shaved his armpits. My upper lip had more hair than his entire body. He wasn't a runner or a swimmer. He wasn't a professional wrestler on steroids or a giant Ken doll. He was just a Midwestern, middle-aged, hairless man by choice. The problem is, I like male armpit hair. Don't use that as my epitaph, but it's true. Male chest hair, leg hair, and arm hair is attractive. Women love men for all the reasons they're different from women. It's a pheromone thing, too. Hair amplifies the effect of pheromones. I just went all science on you there, but unless you can get by on your good looks alone, you might want some of that natural chemistry on your side. Tom Selleck, Sean Connery, Steve Martin - - all hairy and sexy dudes.
For men who opt to eradicate their bod-tannical gardens of dense forestation, the Mangroomer, a do-it-yourself, electric back shaver, is very popular. According to Mangroomer.com, "You only get one chance to make a first impression." That is true, but how many hours can a man spend each day preparing for first impressions of his backside? The old triple S (shit, shower, and shave, ladies) may take an entire day if my man shaves his south lawn, back porch, chest hair, back hair, and facial hair. Then he still has to trim the eyebrows, nose hairs, brush his teeth, and put on hairspray. I'd need to get in the bathroom at 4 a.m. before the floor looked like Supercuts. And what would he look like after 5:00 pm? How big would that shadow be? Please stop this body shaving nonsense. Your dick is huge, okay? Now we want the bathroom back.
Do You Iron Your Balls or Send Them Out?
Finally, the Beauty Park Medical Spa in California has a new procedure for men to tighten the tackle. The Male Laser Lift uses a Pixel laser on the scrotum to even out skin tone, remove hair, erase wrinkles, and tighten external skin. According to their website, this non-invasive treatment is like a facial for your package. The end result is a much more youthful look. Put the Male Laser Lift on your bucket list, guys. Right after sky diving, and eating haggis, get your jewels polished.
Brow waxings at the salon, manscaping the hanging brain, and ball tucks. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.
*Chest hair photos from www.CollegeHumor.com