Earlier this month I auditioned for Blogger Idol 2013. Nope, I didn't have to sing, do jazz hands, or spell anything out loud. I had to submit a couple of my favorite columns to a panel of 12 (serious ass) judges. Those not-so-easily-bribed twelve judges read and scored hundreds of written auditions for ten days while I waited patiently and ate Tums and... well... pretty much everything else in my sight line, too. But after 10 sleepless nights, I'm bursting with joy (and I mean, literally f*cking
It's time to put on my bathrobe and write! But cranking out good stuff alone will not keep me in the competition. I guess it takes a village to win this thing....or at least a sh*tload of villagers' votes.
Here's how it works:
Each Saturday contestants will receive a writing challenge. On Tuesdays, writers will publish their work on the Blogger Idol website and the judges will have 24 hours to read and comment on the posts. On Wednesday of each week, the polls open for the public to vote for their favorite writer. The polls will close Thursdays at midnight. After the votes have been tallied, a contestant will be eliminated each Friday.
I'll need your votes... and your cousins' votes... and your neighbors' votes... and the guy-who-works-on-your-car's vote... and your kid's teacher's vote... and that cute-guy-you-hope-you-bump-into-at-the-grocery-store's vote.... well, you get the idea. By the way, OMG, you all look amazing lately. Amazing. No, I'm totally serious.
Every week I'm in the competition, I'll publish a link on Hairpin Turns Ahead so you can read my post and VOTE for me. The polls for the first challenge open next Wednesday.
There is fabulous competition, 3 men and 9 other women. But I have a shot. And just as a reminder, here are the top 10 reasons I could be America's next Blogger Idol:
10. I can take constructive criticism and feedback maturely, just ask that bitch, Sheila, my ex-BFF. Whatevs.
9. My seven subscribing readers have a lot of social media clout, so handle this truth: you need me.
8. I swear I'll sanitize your foam #1 finger before I use it for my happy dance upon making the Top 13. Yep, I'll sanitize it after, too.
7. Yo, Randy Jackson. I won't be pitchy, dawg. I'll be pithy... Word.
6. If I don't win, my boys may go all Nerf-gun-ape-sh*t on the judges. I've lost control. I'm not proud. I'm jus' sayin', so consider yourselves warned.
5. I won't trip on my heels when that Miss Blogger 2013 tiara is gently placed on my perfectly coiffed hair. WHAT!?! There's no tiara? Seriously? What kind of contest is this? What? The tiara is blaze orange? Made from shotgun shells by one of the sponsors, Bullet Designs? Okay. That's cool. I've done orange before. I'll make it work.
4. I'm the voice behind the camel in Geico's "Hump Day" ads. I own funny. Whoop whoop!
3. Conveniently, my mother-in-law already hates me, so I can pretty much write about anything at this point.
2. I really feel the timing is right for me to expand my writing repertoire and explore diverse genres blah, blah, blah,... I already rock. My mom says.
and the number one reason I should be America's 2013 Blogger Idol:
Drum roll, puh-lease-ah. This is totally a drum-roll-worthy-moment.
1. Even though I shaved my legs for September, I still promise not to sleep with any of the judges until the contest is over, which clearly indicates my high level of integrity and dedicated work ethic.
BA - BOOM!
Oh yeah... I did a little celebration dance on making the Top 13 and enjoyed a Slimfast cocktail. Now I'm hittin' the sack, ya'll. Need to rest up for some serious writing.