Like my fellow American writer, J. D. Salinger, I turn down most media requests for interviews. Dwelling on my immense success and popularity seems counter-productive. However, since auditioning for Blogger Idol 2103, the paparazzi hounds me everywhere I go. I'm still recovering from an incident with a photographer in the 15 Items or Less lane at the Piggly Wiggly.
However, most recently, Molly B., a regular contributor to The Second Grade Girls' Gazette, asked meto sit down for an interview. Since she'd also receive 10 extra credit points in Spelling class, I agreed. And, to be perfectly honest, I didn't want to get on her bad side. Everyone knows Molly B. throws the best birthday party every year.
Liesl: First of all, One Direction has four guys---
Molly B.: I ask the questions. Who do you pick?
Liesl: Can this be off the record? I've still got a bad case of Bieber Fever but my sons will be mortified if it gets out. Who would you pick?
Molly B.: Justin Timberlake
Liesl: Hey, that's not fair. He wasn't one of the choices.
Molly B.: Duuuuh. He's not one of the choices because I've got dibs on him. So what do you do anyway? Like, what do you write?
Liesl: I write a column about life and dealing with change.
Molly B.: Fweh. We learned about dealing with change last year. I still think a nickel should cost more than a dime since it's waaaay bigger.
Liesl: No, I don't write about change in terms of money. I write about life. For many people, life doesn't turn out as expected, so I write about dealing with that kind of change. We all have hopes and dreams but sometimes an asshole comes along and crushes those dreams. Or, sometimes people get sick and can’t do things they hoped. Or, sometimes people go to college, smoke too much weed, become unmotivated to succeed and spend a great deal of time watching Judge Judy in their underwear on hand-me-down sofas from their grandmas.
Molly B.: Oh… I have to go to the bathroom.
(Five minute break.)
Molly B.: What's the name of that nail polish you're wearing? It looks kinda old lady.
Liesl: I think it's called I'm Really Not a Waitress by O.P.I.
Molly B.: Yeah, totes old lady. So, do you get paid, like a million dollars, for writing?
Liesl: Yes, I get a million dollars almost every day. When I wake up each morning, it’s usually sitting on my front porch. I have a monkey and a fur coat, too. But not a real fur coat, that’s cruel.
Molly B.: I'm wearing underwear with the word Thursday on my butt. I got it for my birthday.
Liesl: Wait 'til you're forty, Molly. You'll be able to fit the whole month of January on your ass.
Molly B.: So you auditioned for this Blogger Idol contest, huh?
Liesl: Yep, I did. I find out soon if I made the Top 12. If I did, then each week I’ll get a writing challenge and the readers will vote for their favorite writer.
Molly B. Are you a funny writer? Do you make people laugh?
Liesl: Some days I'm good at it and other days I bomb.
Molly B.: Kinda like the weatherman?
Liesl: I guess so. I write about things I know, and some people can relate and laugh, and others just don’t get it at all. On other days I’m just not funny. I’m definitely never funny on a Monday.
Molly B.: Do you have a boyfriend?
Liesl: I do. His name is Louis C.K., but he doesn't even know I'm alive.
Molly B.: Maybe you should wear more glitter stuff. He'd notice you then. Or maybe get hair like Taylor Swift.
Liesl: Good ideas. I'll write them down. More glitter seems to be the answer to many of life’s problems.
Liesl: Um, I haven't won any trophies for writing… yet.
Molly B.: So I wasted my entire recess on someone who has no trophies? So you’re… like, a loser?
Liesl: Well, I --
Molly B.: Fine. I’m skipping to the last question. Do you like sleepovers?
Liesl: Yes, Molly, I like sleepovers very much. I wish I got invited to more sleepovers.