(This post placed third in Week #2 of Blogger Idol 2013. The challenge for Week #2 was to write about a fictional crime we committed in the form of a news story.)
MADISON, WI - A Sheboygan woman charged with 27 counts of burglary is expected in court later today to plead guilty to a string of robberies at Hostess snack cake warehouses.
Police arrested 46-year-old Liesl Testwuide Friday evening at the Sheboygan Hostess Brand Distribution Center. Perplexed by repeated break-ins at Hostess facilities throughout the state, law enforcement officials created a special task force to apprehend the crumby culprit. On Friday, police implemented Operation Sweet Snatch, which resulted in Testwuide's arrest, and finally put an end to the Ho-Ho heists.
According to authorities, Testwuide was found sleeping in the fetal position on the floor of the Hostess warehouse, surrounded by crumpled white wrappers and half-eaten Ding Dongs. Medical professionals called to the scene pronounced Testwuide to be in a deep food coma, yet predicted her condition would improve after ingesting a glass of white milk and locating her dignity. She was cuffed and taken into custody.
Sources say a custom lock pick set, made from unused health club key cards was found at Testwuide's side and is being tested at the lab for fingerprints. Police believe Testwuide used the key card lock picks to gain access to over 15 Hostess warehouses and remove countless pounds of spongey, cream-filled snack cakes.
Testwuide became a person of interest early in the Hostess investigation after police searched her home in June after receiving a tip from a store owner. Police discovered multiple pairs of recently purchased Spanx and size Large underpants. Following the search, Testwuide agreed to speak voluntarily with authorities. At that time, Testwuide insisted the expandable undergarments belonged to a friend and stated she was "just holding them for her."
Picked up for questioning again in August after she was found unconscious and covered with crumbs in the snack aisle of a Kwik Trip, Testwuide later changed her story and claimed the big girl panties belonged to her mother. When police learned Testwuide’s mother was a mere size 2, Testwuide shouted, “She wears stuff big!” Authorities could not charge Testwuide for burglary due to the lack of hard evidence at that time so she was released. Detective Suzy Quayle said, "The big underpants were merely a foundation. We needed more to make an arrest. We'll continue to watch her."
A transcript from Testwuide's police interview in August confirms she rigorously denied any involvement in boosting the sugary sweets. Testwuide's attorney, Howard Peckerman, who arrived after police began their interrogation, put an abrupt end to the interview. Testwuide is on the record stating, “You’ll never see me eating a Ho-” when interrupted by her attorney who announced, "This interview is over."
Peckerman told press gathered outside the courthouse today, "Listen folks, have some mercy for my client. It was a Friday night. My client was lonely, frustrated, and in desperate need of some cream-filled goodness." Testwuide's home has been surrounded by media hoping to get a glimpse of her three children. Reached for comment by phone late Sunday, Testwuide's son said, "I just can't believe my mother is responsible for these burglaries. She never put Hostess products in our lunches."
Multiple sources confirm Testwuide engaged in odd behavior before her arrest including an eyewitness account which placed her at the DMV Friday afternoon. An extremely frustrated Testwuide shouted, "I thought I was in the right line! Don't fuck with me, mister! I'm outta batteries and cupcakes and my blood sugar's low."
A judge will sentence Testwuide later next month. She faces a life sentence of humiliation.