From the Very Messy, Can-Barely-Find-Sh*t, Yet Amazingly Functional Desk of
Liesl M. Testwuide
2013 was rougher than I expected. Unfortunately, despite honest efforts, my behavior was not stellar this past year. In fact, in some instances, it was downright naughty (not the good naughty, either, you cheeky devil, Santa.)
- I ripped the DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW tag off three pillows from Bed, Bath and Beyond.
- Despite authoring a blog about accepting life's changes, I wrote 17 nasty Tweets about Carrie Underwood and the new Sound of Music.
- I ate half of my kids' Halloween candy. I threw the other half in the garbage so I wouldn't eat it. Dubya still guilts me with: "Mom, starving children in Africa could've eaten that candy." To which I relpy, "Not if their moms are anything like
- I took 13 instead of the "Maximum 10 Items Allowed in Fitting Room" at T.J. Maxx. Then I slipped the six garments I decided to buy onto hangers marked size "S" to make a good impression in the check out line.
- I wrote blog posts about the three men I dated this past year. I guess they didn't like that.
- I told my book club I don't get my back door waxed.
- I told the 3rd grade teacher to make her own gluten-free-organic-ovo-lactum-vegan-free-trade muffins since all my favorite recipes call for peanut butter, flour, Hershey chocolate and red dye #40.
- I bought the explicit version of Blurred Lines and I liked it.
- I asked the guy at the coffee house why he had checkers embedded in his ear lobes.
- I bought fancy running shoes and wasn't able to use them because the Couch to 2K app disapeared from my iPhone during the IOS 7 update.
- I told a kid in the neighborhood: "No, I won't buy the cookie dough you're selling. In fact, it'll be a cold day in Hell before I buy anything you ever sell again since your mom wouldn't buy one effing $5 frozen pizza from my 8-year old son. Trust me, bub, 15 years from now when you're 30 and still living at home with your mom, I won't forget you. I'll spot you wearing one of those blue shirts because you work at Best Buy, and I'll remember that I bought popcorn, wrapping paper, and magazines from you, but when my kid tried to sell you one measley pizza, your family didn't follow the quid pro quo fundraiser rule, and then I'll find another blue shirt to sell me loads of cool Best Buy stuff. So there."
Well, Santa, there's my naughty list -- all the bad stuff I did this year. I hope you'll appreciate my unabashed honesty and bring me what I really want for Christmas: a date with comedian Louis C.K. I asked you for the same thing last year, but I'm hoping the second time's a charm. You and I both know he's the man for me. And if you can't make that happen, just leave another year's supply of AA batteries under the tree.
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