If you're like a lot of daughters, it's all your mother's fault.
It doesn't really matter what "it" is. "It's" still her fault.
If you're too fat, it's your mother's fault.
She probably insisted you were a member of The Clean Plate Club.
If you hate exercise, it's your mother's fault.
She scarred you for life with her 1980's aerobics outfits. Women today have huge therapy bills from witnessing their size 0 mothers grapevine in spandex thongs worn OVER spandex capris. The flashbacks of T-shirts with shoulder pads, braided sweatbands, and black, high-top Reeboks caused serious damage to our psyches.
If you've had issues with men, it's your mom's fault.
She may have chaperoned your school dances... and actually danced.
If you have body image issues, it's definitely your mom's fault.
Your poor self-image likely stems from the time she made you go back to your room and put on "something more flattering" while your friends waited in the car.
Whatever your issues, one thing is for sure, your mother is to blame. And rather than reignite the argument of the century, your duty as a daughter is to just get her a gift this holiday. Therefore, put a little FUN in dysFUNctional this Mother's Day, and get her the perfect gift that says:
"I love you, Mom, but in a pretty f*cked up sort of way."
At Hairpin Turns Ahead, we had our personal shoppers hunt down Mother's Day gifts for wacky moms responsible for ruining daughters' lives across the country. Here's what they found:
1. Experts claim the most powerful sense is our smell. Imagine your mother enveloped in the scent of your feet every waking hour. The idea is soothing, isn't it? By giving your mom a set of feet candles, you won't need to visit her, she'll feel your presence daily.
2. Keep your mom looking hip with a wise, old owl phone case. She'll love the softness. You'll love the garage sale price. Besides, nothing says, I'm up on technology, like a crocheted iPhone 3S case.
3. Short on time, but long on practicality? The Crisco candle is a DIY gift that takes just 10 seconds to make. Cut a wick one inch taller than a can of Crisco and insert. Voila! Each time your mom looks at that grease fire, she'll think of you!
4. Does your mom have more than three cats? Does she love to craft? Hit two birds with one stone with this unique book on crafting with cat hair. It promises to fill hours of time for the slightly derranged.
5. If you're low on cash and like quick DIY projects, the maxi-pad flip-flop set may be right up your alley. Soft, disposable, and with a bit of bling, these flip-flops will get all your mother's friends talking! Create any embellishment, or simlpy use a Sharpie to add color.
6. The lap pillow. Classic. Must have. No discussion. #Can'tDieTilIHaveALapPillow
7. Hairy Leg Tights - Hard to find, but perfect for at least one outfit in her closet. If your mom loves attention, she needs these tights. Made with just the right amount of both itchiness and softness, these hairy tights are anatomically accurate in the event a gust of wind should come her way.
8. Nothing says style like an avocado. Although fashion doesn't dictate our accessories and appliances match, it is kind of tempting.
9. For the thrifty and practical mom, it's not Hammer time, it's picnic time.
10. Finally, for the mom who's always full of shit:
**No moms were harmed as a result of this post due to their amazing ability to keep a sense of humor while raising daughters.