Tara Lipinski: Well, folks, up next in the grocery shop event is seasoned veteran, Liesl Testwuide. Testwuide comes from a long line of grocery shoppers, so we're in for a treat. I spoke with her earlier, and although she's pleased with the course, she admitted the candy aisle and Hostess section can be dangerous and may give her some trouble. Her strategy is to stay focused and stick to her list. Johnny, Testwuide's shopping list is long, but one thing's for sure: what she lacks in freezer space, she's able to make up in consumption.
Johnny Weir: Thanks, Tara. Testwuide is entering the store now. Hmmm. That's not the outfit I would have
chosen, but Testwuide is known for wearing her signature color: black. She's removed her ahhhhmazing sunglasses and started her pre-shop routine: examining carts for wobbly wheels, giving the security camera a nice duck face, and stretching to loosen up. No doubt some sequins or epaulets would be a welcome addition, but I digress. Testwuide looks more focused than I've seen her in the past. Her pre-shop coffee-Sudafed-Diet-Coke-Twizzlers shake could be kicking in. Nevertheless, it's surprising since she's not known to shop well under pressure. Who doesn't remember the disaster in Sochi in 2014? Overwhelmed with decisions, but gorgeous boots, Testwuide went down hard in the bread aisle. She's looking for redemption today? Will she achieve it?
Tara Lipinski: That's right, Johnny. Testwuide needs to keep her shopping goals in mind and hope that iPhone (did you see the bedazzled case? Heaven!) doesn't run out of battery until she's through her list. She's well-prepared. Her lipstick's in her jacket pocket. Her reading glasses are perched atop her head. I think she's ready.
Johnny Weir: Oh. My. God. She's off and I've got goosebumps already. What a nice, clean start coming through the automatic doors. Testwuide's got an uncanny ability to maneuver the produce section faster than most. The majority of shoppers at her level examine the fruit, squeeze the lemons, and make sure the asparagus is firm. Not Testwuide. She gets through that produce section at record speeds. I can't even do my brows that fast!
Tara Lipinski: Wow, she took that corner smoother than my bikini line as she approaches the meat department. This is where Testwuide really shines. Look at those clean grabs - butt roast, thick-cut bacon, shanks, chops, thighs...This woman knows how to handle meat. I see you're shaking your head, Johnny.
Johnny: That's right, Tara. Testwuide's finesse comes from experience. It takes years of training to master the perfect rhythm. And let's just say her rhythm is explosive. The butchers are mesmerized. But Tara, can Testwuide keep up this pace?
Tara: Only you, Johnny! Now let's watch as Testwuide takes this corner---
Johnny: Holy Dorothy Hamill Haircuts, Tara -- the candy aisle! Will she give in to her sugar craving or get down the aisle unscathed? Testwuide is headed toward the chocolate. She's admiring the Hershey bars. Oh my, Tara, it looks like a fan has gotten through security. It appears he's on roller skates and has made it out onto the course. I have to say, I love his jumpsuit. That deep V. I'm smitten.
Tara: Focus, Johnny. This doesn't look good. The rollerskating rambler seems to have a jar of peanut butter and it looks as though a possible colli---Whoa! False alarm! Testwuide has popped a wheelie and averted disaster.
Johnny Weir: I, on the other hand, have just lost an eyelash and that is a real crisis. Now let's watch as Testwuide approaches the bread aisle. I'm sensing some anxiety, kind of like when Lauren S. and Arie from The Bachelor went on that one date, you know, the total train wreck. Arie, such a dish. Anyway, we know Testwuide stumbles amid the 8,10, and 12 grains. Earlier I asked her about her strategy for this aisle, but she assured me those demons no longer haunt her the way Nathan Chen's nightmare of a performance will haunt him for life. I mean, that was the worst! It appears Testwuide is making it down the aisle gluten-free. She's picked up the pace.
Tara: Keeping her eyes locked on her list, I think she may have overcome the toughest part of the-- Oh no! Testwuide is down! Legs splayed, Johnny. It's not pretty. Are those Spanx? Clean up on aisle 8, folks. What just happened, Johnny?
Johnny: Testwuide was having such a great run. So disappointing. Wait, she seems to be back on her feet now, Tara. She's smoothed her hair, reapplied the lipstick, and looks determined to finish. That girl is fierce,Tara.
Tara: One thing you can say about Testwuide: no matter how far down she falls, she always has the courage to get back up and put on more lipstick, even if it's not the best color on her. Let's watch now as she careens into the dairy section, Johnny.
Johnny: It's no secret Testwuide is lactose intolerant, Tara, so it's always surprising to watch her load up on butter, cream and eggs. She is a Wisconsin girl, after all. Will she grab a yogurt as a token healthy snack?
Tara: I don't think so, Johnny. Testwuide knows this routine inside and out and she's not going to make any changes under pressure in competition. It looks like she's headed toward the cheese. Oh yes. Watch closely as she reaches for the cheese curds. Just gorgeous. I'm tearing up. Pass the Kleenex. This is really beautiful. Fans in Wisconsin will recognize this-- her signature move. It's looking like a strong finish, Johnny!
Johnny: Testwuide's taking the turn into the final aisle. This is where she does her best work -- the snack aisle. Sodium, carbohydrates, processed, packaged foods -- this is her wheelhouse. This is her comfort zone. Look at the perfectly rounded mound of fried foods in that cart. No one can say Testwuide doesn't have style or may be even prediabetic. And watch her attention to detail: she never forgets the nuts.
Tara: Neither do you, Johnny. Wow, what an ab fab finish! Such grace and ease as she rolls into check out line 9. Unloading her items now. A 36-pack of toilet paper...mandarin oranges... BOGO Secret deoderant...so much diversity in her work. Really beaut---
Johnny: Wait, Tara! Testwuide appears to be in distress. She's engaged in animated conversation with the cashier. Holy Triple Lutz! Testwuide just dumped the entire contents of her handbag (and I do love that handbag) onto the conveyor belt. Pennies, Halls cough drops, and bobby pins are everywhere! It's disaster, Tara. It appears Testwuide can't find her SuperSaver card. Flushed and upset, she's turned all her pockets inside out. Testwuide may snap here. She's got the bagger by the bowtie! Let's hope she doesn't go all Tonya on him. It's --
Tara: Oh Johnny! She's found it! Thank the sparkly heavens, she's got it! It was in her back pocket all along. Now, can she recover?
Johnny: Tara, it's difficult to regroup after a moment like this in any event. Remember when I left my makeup case on the airplane on the way to the Westminster dog show? However, it appears Testwuide has apologized for swearing at the cashier. Look, she's giving the bagger a hug. He's a bit afraid of her at this point. What a recovery. I didn't know if she'd be able to regain her composure, but she has. It's as if this has happened before. The sign of a pro, Tara, really.
Tara: And now Testwuide's out the door. I wonder how the judges will score this run? Quite a finish. Today we saw so many sides of Testwuide-- her vulnerability in the candy aisle, her determination in the dairy, and her playfulness in the meat department. I've laughed. I've cried. I've peed a little in my pants. Is that just me?
Johnny: That's definitely just you, Tara. I'm not sure Testwuide slayed today. Sure, she shopped the shop, but something was lacking besides sequins. An oriental fan, shaped like the Titanic, might have elevated her look. A shirtless body guard or two in leather might have put her over the top in my book. I don't know. She wasn't a complete hot mess. The girl just needs more sequins. I'd give her a 6.5.
Tara: Totes agree on the sequins, Johnny. Did you see the deadly side eye Testwuide just gave you? She's digging for her eggs. We'll be right back, folks.